Chicken Wars: the cock fight commences [Part 2]

[Discretion Advised: This content may not be suitable for young readers, food nazis(i.e. vegans or vegetarians who are against eating animals/birds), sensitive stomach and/or die hard bird lovers.] Click here to read: [Part 1] “benefits to brutality”

To continue this absolute chicken nightmare of coop and poop chaos…

To reiterate for those who did not read the disclosure in Part 1, before you start raising pitchforks and burning torches, no, this is not about 2 chickens fighting in a real “cock fight” but there may be some “slaughter” talk in the latter of this, so fair warning.

Let’s rewind to where i left you…

playpen

Oh yeah, in the neighbors yard, the colorful plastic child play pen.

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Now full of 6-8 wack-a-doo looking teenage-young adult chickens, and remember meat-chickens, not the brown egg layers like my 2 spawns of Satan, the purpose? who the eff knows but please explain why anyone would got meat-chickens (chickens that cannot lay eggs) if you don’t want to eat them……. I’ll wait….

Anyways, since they don’t lay eggs and from what gossip boy says they basically “fell off the back of a truck” and they got them for a steal, like $1 each or something…. ::facepalm:: now where have I heard that recently… SMDH

This time they are all different colors, gossip boy hasn’t confirmed the total but its got to be at least 6 chickens of all sorts of colors, a possible rooster or grey and black hen? idk too young to tell, and I swore 2 weeks ago, the last week of May, there were 2 ducks, too. I’ll get into that. LOL ::cringe::

To be honest, every time i look outside there’s at least 4-5 birds inside the play pen, and another 3-4 more randomly roaming around the area, just eating their grass and shitting all over the place ::emoji vomit face:: Since of course there is no proper roof to contain them, and seeing them jump myself, I can assume that’s why they continue to frolic.

Just so you know, I have a problem with this. I have a problem with letting my own dogs shit wherever they please in my backyard. Call it an issue with feces. And no i don’t discriminate, I don’t like poop from humans either. I’m not a germ-o-phobe or crazy cleaning lady, even though, I did just finance a Kirby vacuum from a door-to-door sales man, but that’s a totally different eye-opening, one in a lifetime purchase, FML- tangents!

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[The word zoonotic means that the bug/disease can be passed from one species to another. The ones we are going to touch on here are the more common diseases associated with chickens: Salmonella, Listeria, Campylobacter and E.coli.** Just look it up, chickens are known for also carrying lice, why do you think ppl are always checking their chickens for bugs, ::cringe:: ::shivers:: ::walks through spiderweb grossness:: LOL**]

But letting any animal freely poop on the grass you potentially walk barefoot on, letting your young children(for her, grandbaby) play and roll around in, is a freaking problem. Okay, i feel better just putting it out there, but I’m sure more of you would agree, it is not okay. Shit, I ran an animal friendly hotel and spent hundreds of $$$ on poop bags and litter signs, its insane how many people don’t give a flying poo.

And again, I am no germ-o-phobe, for example, my family even though we have closets and a true shoe/mud rooms at both entryways, we still wear our shoes in the house. Trust me for those that are appalled, I’ve been pondering it myself, it is just gross to think about, right?

But seriously, blatantly allowing feces to pile up and not cleaning it up, like ever, even when said gossip boy stepped in it and slide on a huge and i’m not shitting you… a gargantuan sized POS! Hahahaha, gawd almost made me piss myself laughing so friggin hard. But still no one offered to pick up the chihuahua sized shit that was inches from my mailbox, directly in front of the stairs that lead into my home.

Besides the poop problems that obviously lead to bigger issues (i.e. bugs/health risks) from the chickens and her 2 huge mutts, both breeds seem to always want to wander to their garbage which they so graciously leave on the corner of our property line, without lids, shit even bags for 60% of the time. I used to joke how instead of hay bushels blowing by, or gusts of leaves, we get paper plates and corners of candy bars. Oh and don’t forget the endless effing trail of POP(soda) bottle tops lined up across the street, now hidden from the tree’s that have bloomed.

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Everyday, at some point, since I am temporarily in limbo, at home, you tend to notice a bunch of squawking,  barking, even howling from their 1 beagle, or the best in the middle of your cocktail at midnight, the sound of your garbage crashing to the ground from time to time, and sometimes I’ll even find raccoons playing in the dog house, which is enclosed in a dog run, WTF. But usually, the noise follows whenever one of the 3 have stumbled into our yard.

I can’t even count how many times by now, over the past year I have “shoo-ed” their dogs away, and in the recent weeks, friggin chickens. Remember, they do have a chicken coop, they just need to fix the roof, it was already located perfectly, set back on their property, near the creek and backed up to a privacy fence to the other neighbors.

Which all leads to my 3rd problem without going into any further vents, the lack of proper housing/poo-poo mountain, the designated poop place). I was waiting for this to happen, the day her boyfriend showed up to the house, parked his big ole pick up truck on the lawn full of 2x4s and pallets. These people love that shit, i guess… LOL

This legitimately took place over this past weekend, on Sunday. Drilling, sanding, hammering, the truck is on, the truck is off, the diesel truck is revving, the country music starts, the truck is off, still blaring country banjo- i cant even make a joke it was so painful.. then the truck started again and he was gone, and he came back and BBQ’d ’cause that’s the only way they eat, from what gossip boy says. So I have to close my windows to prevent my house being engulfed in smog. I don’t complain, I love my fire pit as well, just sucks the wind only ever blows in one direction in the valley, which is towards my house, LOL.

The noise continued til around 8:30pm, which is little man’s bed time so thankfully, i checked to see how it was going…

Now its been a few days since I originally sounded off on social media, can’t lie I am still enraged beyond so many levels. Now, if the neighbors re-made their original coop, in its original location, I would have brought them some fucking s’mores for their damn fire pit and gave them all high fives for a job well done, I mean regardless of how they live, I just wanna keep the peace, and hope that in the long run they just keep their shit, well in their space- Can’t say it any nicer.

Let’s first look out the window, downstairs, where I obviously did not pass by early enough to stop this thing from being put here. Mind you, my son had just broke the blinds that were just hanging in this window, Friday, running down the stairs with a huge nerf gun. So this whole time, I am assuming they just unloaded near our property line…. Oh no.. these S.O.B.’s set up an even larger contraption to kill some more birds. Doesn’t it look just like the first death trap they made?

downstairsview

So, not only is this within an arm length of my window, but obviously barely 6 inches from my property line. Hmm.. google search.. found per the bureau of my town, like most that allow agriculture and poultry for certain purposes in backyard spaces all coops, first off needs to be on at least 2,000 sq ft or limited to 5 chickens per 1 acre- which I know damn well it ain’t, and second off, coops must be at least 50 feet away from any dwellings- meaning neighbors!!!! (no roosters allowed by the way, oh and a $74 fee to register every 5 chickens you have…)

I can feel my blood pressure rising, the grays are trying to pop from my head and tangle into the word fAck! I mean, the nerve, you love your chickens so much, you can put your chicken right outside of your kitchen window?

Oh yeah, you only saw the bottom part. Here is the view from the 2nd floor, my kitchen window. Can anyone explain to me why they need to build a coop over 10 feet tall? (Is that even allowed google? Actually, ‘Miss soon to be real estate expert’ per the “air zone” local codes, any structures built over 10 feet must have a permit. Aha, thanks google!)

upstairsview

I can rant about more feelings and blah blah, but at this point, I think I have vented enough. The reasons why every community has “local zoning codes” is to enforce a safe, environment. If you live on a few acres or more, feel free to leave a decent amount of bordering room from ya nasty habits and feel free to live. Sorry if you forgot you have to share some common ground with people who live closer, ya gotta keep ya nastiness indoors or at least confined to a small area, in the back or at least away from your neighbors. Common sense, common courtesy, awe fAck it, chivalry has been dead for over a decade or 2.

How would you react to this right outside your home? You wanna know what I did?

That night I started looking up everything, mainly phone numbers for the health department, even when I found the specific branch, it turned out to be for the actual downtown-city of Pittsburgh, apparently each township should have a bureau that can provide you with local codes and support for those not abiding them.

My theory was, after the Coop Massacre, we specifically told gossip boy to put out the word to the other neighbors, that we wanted to give away the chickens and coop for free.

This betch knew full and well she could of had a legit chicken coop, knew we were cool to talk to, but did not think once to ask if it was okay to block our only effing window downstairs, and/or build a farm outside my kitchen window, the audacity!

She didn’t have to courtesy to ask first, so I don’t feel like I need to warn her about the consequences. It’s like the unwritten rule of common courtesy among neighbors, don’t build shit near or on property lines until you attempt communication.

And it gets better, next day, after 3 hours of being tossed around from township department of health to another to finally realizing there is no one to talk to via phone, but you can submit a complaint form via website. Oh great, thanks for the auto-email-reply, too. I’m giving it til next week, and I’ll go in person when little man’s back in preschool. (So you’ll definitely want to stay tuned for an update.)

The day went on, dinner time arrives and as I was cooking up a storm, this time with my balcony door (on the other side of the kitchen), wide open for air, dying of heat by the way, from no “cross-breeze” (Sheldon gets it).Sheldon-Cooper-Big-Bang-Theory-Jim-Parson-m

I was about to cave and open the window, after just telling everyone in my life, I’ll never be able to look out of it or open it again, and then I saw her. The next door neighbor, just standing there, looking at that box of mud, no chickens in sight. I didn’t know what to say, but I figured I had to take my only opportunity to say something without her entourage of teenagers around.

“Hey there!” She looked up with this petty ass smirk, as if I was going to congratulate her on building that hot mess.

I smiled as hard as my face would allow, “I mean this with all respect and I am not trying to be rude, but I need you to move that thing away from my house, please understand this is my kitchen and its blocking my only window downstairs that opens.”

Without hesitation she replies, ” So, you’ll have a problem with it, when the roof goes on and the privacy fence goes up, too?”

I can’t lie, I had to stop myself but I blurted out half sarcastically laughing, ” A privacy fence? W-what is that going to do?”

She then looked around, shook her head and said, “Well, I can see about moving it, but it was here originally.”

Then I got cocky AF, “Well, I would appreciate it if you moved it asap, you know it technically needs to be at least 50 feet from what I’ve seen in the town. And also did you get your permits for those chickens, I had to pay over $70 for mine.”

She turned pale, like I caught her with some knowledge. She stuttered and repeated herself, “Yeah, well, I’ll see what I can do.”

Yeah, well, its already friday night now, (writing this) and all I’ve seen is chickens and chickens and more chickens, everywhere and anywhere but in that contraption and you and your beau made. And honestly, I’ve seen you do nothing but drink every night in the back yard lighting bon-fires, must be nice.

So do I feel bad about putting in the complaint now that I’ve spoken to her? Absolutely not, if that thing ever moves, it will be a miracle or due to the township fining her to do so. And as far as a privacy fence or “roof”, your gunna need a lot of 2x4s sweet pie, omg! I just can’t with this, I’m trying super hard not to be superficial and act like my shit don’t stank but c’mon, quality of life!

toomanychicks

And to smack me in the face once more, guess who found 5 of their chickens in my backyard just 2 days ago? ME. Bloody hell it was me, like always, dealing with the riff raff.

There I was, just put Jayce down for a nap, I go outside with a coffee and a cigarette on my balcony, kick my feet up, hear the creek softly rippling with the current. I hear the wind blow and see some leaves drift off to my right and my eyes follow the leaves to see a legit Squad of Chickens waddling up to my dog run.

How in the actual fAck?! I just blocked off every inch of my backyard, even moved a fence to block everyone from walking directly to the back from the front, except for the creek, can’t build a wall over it, unfortunately. It was cold that day, too, and those betches still went for a swim and into my yard (the creek runs through all of our yards, fyi).

So I jump up, didn’t remember I put my phone on the charger in my room for once, so after 4 times of running back and forth through the house looking for it, I bailed and ran out the door to the next door neighbors house. (wish I could of video taped it as proof.)

To my dismay, she wasn’t there, but thankfully one of her many daughter’s boyfriends were, and like a champ he stepped up. Funniest part, when we got to my backyard, at first the chickens were no where in sight, actually made me feel like a crazy lady for a second. He gave me this stare like I was crying wolf.

That’s until we found them around the corner, making their way to the fence that separates our properties. “Oh, Damn..” he said. “I’m sorry you gotta deal with all this craziness all the time, that family is just, you know.”

No. I don’t and don’t want to know. But I was relieved for some compassion. Twenty minutes later, of using brooms to push the chickens back and forth on either ends, behind my shed, so he could then fling them over the fence one by one. I give him props. Nice kid, name is Sawyer, like Good ole Tommy boy. At least I have a witness, that I didn’t even know was on my side.

That same night after I put Jayce to bed around 9pm, his father had to run to the store and all I know, is I was called to come outside, just for him to point out he just “shoo-ed” the neighbors dogs back to her own yard. I then waved goodbye to baby daddy and smoked a cigarette, taking my time to ensure this dog stayed away.

MF jumps up, paws on top of the neighbors garbages, again the corner of my property, knocks 2 bins over and starts eating from it. Now I am not going to let a dog eat trash, whether it is my own or not.

My mom has spent thousands on our family pets over the years from eating misc shit to save their lives from whatever gets lodged in the wrong place. So I gently start tapping on the metal fence and whisper, “Stop, baby girl” (that’s the dog’s name, I kid you not!) “Please don’t eat that, stop ripping the bags apart, all that’s just going to blow into my yard, hello?! Do you hear me? Does anybody see this?” I look around, alone.

ididthis

“Baby Girl!” I hear one of the daughters holler from the back door of the neighbor’s house.

I couldn’t help myself, “She’s up front destroying everyone’s garbage, like always!”

The girl walked up, didn’t even look at me, and just dragged the dog inside. I finished my cigarette feeling like Cruella Deville, just sarcastically laughing to myself. FML

And I’m not finished just yet, so health department, I am expecting to follow up, either call me or just come out and assess, whatever, that’s cool, but I am prepared to also be objectified. I mean, I want to obey the rules too. And no I don’t want these murderous chickens, at least I don’t think they are worth paying $74 for, sorry not sorry.

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So just when I lost hope in the neighbors wanting my chickens, as I just finished reposting on craigslist, the doorbell rings. At first, I can’t lie I opened the door like a bat out of hell, probably, ’cause it was around Jay’s bedtime, the only person that ever knocks or rings us is the neighborhood kid and after his first time trying to ring the bell after 8pm, we scare him off. So let’s just say, I don’t expect that door bell to ever go off.

And yeah, I know what my neighbors look like, from a distance. LOL But close up, especially the men, I would not be able to point them out in a crowd. Oops, maybe i am just a terrible person, so anyways, this guy is at my door and the first thing he says is, “Hey you know that kid that cuts your lawn?”

And me not trying to be involved goes, “Oh yeah, [points next door] the daughter’s boyfriend, what about him?” I’m thinking oh great this is the neighbor’s boyfriend trying to make nice or something. NOPE!

“He said you wanted to get rid of your chickens.”

I got so excited, “Hell yeah! Did you want the coop too?” He then changed the whole mood, and I wasn’t even mad, kinda grossed out and dying inside. He begins telling me that he has an Asian wife (gossip boy swears he bought her and brought her over to the states, just saying). Then says to me if its cool with you, we just want to eat them. My wife has plucked many in her time.

With all my might, I kept the smile in politeness intact, on my face, cringing inside, but at this point just take those murderers. Let’s call this Karma! I told him I’d hold them til he was ready and sure enough, last night at 9pm, he scared the living shit out of me by again, randomly sounding the door bell. And his Asian wife was sure enough ready as all hell to yoke them up for dinner.

She was a pro, straight opened the coop, they were sleeping (smart lady), she grabbed the first one by its feet, stroked its stomach to quiet it back up and kept it moving. I just stood there in awe, if there is an Apocalypse, I don’t know if I’d be able to be a cook. Just Saying. LOL

So today, sure enough I started wacking away at that wretched coop in the back of my own yard, by this weekend it should be completely taken down. I gotta say, this has definitely been an adventure and a sure lesson about poultry for me. But I’d rather get my eggs and meat from the grocery, thanks.

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Now, cross your fingers the bureau actually does care about enforcing their health/zoning code, for the better of this community. I am not writing this to deter people from getting chickens, but more to spread awareness.

Although, I need a break after seeing so many bugs crawling out of that coop, and I am internally dreading wearing a facial mask and full body suit for protection in order to take apart the rest. Makes me never want to go through this again.

But in all seriousness, please people just be courtesy and take proper care of your animals. Or you can just eat them, although I swore I read that in this township, you can’t have meat chickens and intend to sell or slaughter at your residence, unless you have permits and yadda yadda, but see, what I mean, just check your local codes and regulations before starting a farm in your yard, please.

FYI, for those who reached out, thanks for the support, I am so happy to know you are enjoying my rants, and random thoughts, sorry this took forever to upload, kid didn’t want to go to bed til 11pm tonight, so yeah it’s 2:15AM now. Good enough! Goodnight!

Hope you enjoyed [Part 2] “the cock fight commences”

Click here to read: [Part 1] “benefits to brutality”

Thanks for reading!

#BlogByChoice

#StayTuned

3 comments

  1. I’m emotionally invested in this story now lol, looking forward to the next update!

    Those are some dreadful neighbors, lacking the minimal amount of self awareness. It will be nice to see them get their comeuppance once the health department sees the mess they have created (and I wouldn’t feel even a tiny bit bad reporting them because of how far they’ve crossed the line of common sense decency). Hopefully their dogs aren’t pitbulls, but they seem like the type that would own that breed.

    Liked by 1 person

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